LAWYER JOKES Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes? A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
LAWYER EXPERIMENTS Two scientists were working late discussing ideas about behavior modification studies. "We've started something new at my lab," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers." "Lawyers?" asks the second scientist. "Why aren't you using rats?" "Well you know how it is," the first scientist replies. "You can get attached to rats."
HAIRCUTS A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man—you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man—you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man—you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
CEMETERY A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?" The little girl said, "The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’"
DO THEY EVER A boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
SHIFTY EYES Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced, saying, "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," said the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
STOLEN MEAT A butcher was minding his store one-day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat from his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said, "You are correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50. The lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50—with a bill attached for $150, for "legal consultation."
DYING REQUEST An old man was on his deathbed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash for each of you, to be held until I die. I trust you to put the money in my coffin so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the coffin because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the coffin because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
VULTURE Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? A: The vulture eventually lets go.
LIFE SAVING Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A: His partner.
LIFE SAVING: TAKE TWO Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head.
BURIED Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
LAWYERS AND CATFISH Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
THE DIFFERENCE Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung? A: The bucket.
TRAPPED You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
QUESTIONS A man visits a high-priced lawyer and says, "If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" The lawyer answered, "Absolutely—what's the second question?"
LEGAL ADVICE A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared a batch of bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
PERSISTENT CALLER A guy calls a law office and says, "I want to talk to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk were walking down the street when they simultaneously spotted a hundred dollar bill. Who got it? The old drunk, of course—the other three are mythical creatures.
HELLISH PUNISHMENT A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the Devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair," he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up!" barked the Devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
THE COUNTRY INN For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time, he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant in her lap. "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name." "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
BUS ACCIDENT A busload of lawyers is traveling down a deserted road. Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree, and catches fire. The owner of the field, a farmer, run up, surveys the scene and buries all the lawyers. A week later, two policemen are traveling down that same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to the house and ask what happened. "A busload of lawyers crashed into the tree and the bus caught fire," replied the farmer. "But what happened to all the lawyers?" asked the policeman. "I buried them," the farmer said. "They were all dead?" cried the officer. "Some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know that lawyers are very good at lying."
NEW EVIDENCE The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding the case be reopened, saying, "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense." The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?" The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"
